Last week I was the one to decide the prompts of the second challenge in our new Flash Fiction series. Maybe you would think that being the one to draw out the rules would make it easier. Maybe I thought that. It wasn’t.
Topic – A Misunderstanding
Word count – 214
Mood – Hecticity
Genre – Comedy
Here’s what came out of it..
There was this festival a few years back, can’t remember what it was called, somewhere up in Yorkshire, in a wood. There had been a misunderstanding and the organisers had thought I was a musician rather than a comic, but I was there anyway, so I might as well go on, and I needed the money.
Stand up never goes down well at music festivals and I was uncharacteristically nervous. I was on after a band called ‘Crowbar Abortion’ and everyone was very drunk. The crowd hated me and started booing and throwing things at me. Then this bloke climbed up onto the stage, told a joke of his own that offended everybody, and then pulled down his pants and started to pleasure himself. Except he couldn’t get an erection, so he stood there tugging away at his flaccid member and getting a lot more laughs than I was.
Next, this woman, who for some reason was dressed as an aardvark, she’d been dressed like that all day, jumped up on stage, rugby tackled him and started slapping him around the face. This didn’t stop him though, quite the opposite and he continued to merrily toss himself off as she beat him up. All the while I was still trying to perform my act.
It started to rain and I really couldn’t bare the thought of taking the bus home. I was running late as it was, getting all those special ingredients for the dinner I had planned had taken so much longer than intended. And now with the rain dripping down my collar and running down my back I’d definitely need a hot shower and a change of clothes before my guests arrived.
As I struggled down the street, lugging all my bags and felling a little bit panicky I couldn’t believe my luck, amongst all the engaged taxis waiting at the traffic lights, one beacon blinked at me letting me know there was a seat free. Quickly before the lights could turn green again and my time-saver would vanish without me I opened up the car door and slipped into the back seat, dumping all my goods around me. A little bit out of breath and wiping the rain from my face I told the driver where to go and sank back into the seat. As I felt my body relax the driver turned around and a confused looking face appeared before my eyes: “Sorry love this is a driving school car, not a taxi!”
Another spasm hits his left leg and makes his butt jiggle in a very unmanly way. Awkwardly he moves around, trying to disguise it. ”What the HELL is that BUZZING?!” he yells at the old lady who is suspiciously eyeballing him. She grabs a little tighter at the leash of her crusty dog. If she doesn’t get there before they open the buffet, all the crab cakes will be gone.
A thin trail of drool travels from his mouth and down his chin. “Oh dear, I really must be going now. Thank you so much for your help” she says while discretely trying to edge around him. “WOW! Your pony is DIRTY!” he exclaims in amazement while blocking her escape. “Oh, but it’s just that the crab cakes…” “I recommend BUBBLE BATH!!” he proudly cuts her off. “You see, Mildred has become so greedy lately…” she tries again but he is now on his knees, giving the dog what appears to be a thorough examination.
“Oh sweet Jesus, I wonder how today went” she anxiously whispers to herself. Hitting a short moment of clarity he looks up at her and says “don’t worry about it; I gave him his medicine this morning. And thanks for leaving me an aspirin, that headache was KILLING me”.
So, who wants to make the next challenge??