Honestly, it is a little too much and I feel overwhelmed. For a while now, my life has been rearranging itself. I’m all for that and most of the time I feel incredibly grateful. I got a new job at a place I have been wanting to work at for a long time and in just a few weeks my apartment will be inhabited by only me, which is going to be another great improvement. Also, I’m going back to school for my Masters and looking forward to hopefully spending the winter floating around the Pacific. I have nothing at all to bitch about.
Still I feel sad.
The reason for that is that all this rearranging has swept through the relationships of my life as well. It is perfectly natural, I know that and would choose moving forward over life support any day. It can just be a little overwhelming when everything seems to happen at the same time. A couple of very important people are no longer in my life. They were important for different reasons just as they are now missing for different reasons. There has been no drama, no slamming doors – just a series of realizing that we seemed to have come to the end. I wish it could have been different, that we could have walked through life together just a little further but it became quite obvious that we probably couldn’t.
Until now, I have focused on trusting my path, trying to keep faith in that the bigger picture will reveal itself at some point. Following my heart, I know it is all good. I know that this too shall pass.
I just wish I didn’t feel so damn lonely.
It’s not like I’m literally all alone now, I have great friends and a wonderful family – but the solitude of this incarnation has become a little more noticeable.
I guess it’s an existential condition, maybe one day I will get used to it.