There’s two of them. Right in front of me on my path forward, within sight and reach, there’s two. One very nice and very available – and very persistent in the nice guy kind of way. And one mysterious and very interesting – potentially dangerous in the emotional rollercoaster kind of way. I can’t seem to make up my mind but I guess I don’t have to at this point, either. The point is, they’re there. In my life and in my thoughts.
I walk through my dreams. I’m surrounded by the faces of all these men. they’re all wearing shades. I’m looking for that one face. The face of the one that used to be the one. The one I thought I wanted to be the one. The face I used to look at before falling asleep. But he’s not there…
I wake up with a feeling of confusion. I try to recall his face but I can’t. Did he disappear from my memory? In what corner of my mind have I put him? I guess this is the way it goes, new people replace past people, we all move on and eventually become distant echoes of something that is no longer.
It’s funny, you think you’re over something or someone and then suddenly, triggered by a new someone or even just a dream, you are confronted with your past. Crossing your emotional tracks.
The next couple of days I find myself asking the same questions that I have many times before. Trying to make sense of the process we went through together. Hoping to suddenly know the answer. The answer that will explain his ignorance and redeem all the pain. Why did he just let me drown in work to support both of us? Why didn’t he ever help in trying to figure out a way for us to survive all the practical obstacles? Even when I asked him for help.. Why didn’t he help me instead of blaming me for being stressed out? How could he always point out my flaws and never see his own? Why wasn’t he ever able to see the bigger picture? How could he just let me drown and then blame me for drowning? How could I let it go on for so long?
He’s a good man with good intentions. I guess that’s the tragicomic in it all. He will never answer those questions. I mean, how could he? He lives in a different world with different values and reflecting on the past is not on his itinerary. I realized some time back that I will probably never get the apology I need. He will never want to see his part in all of it clearly. Instead he will optimistically hold on to a future friendship, never understanding why that will never be possible.
Maybe one day I will discover the answer. Maybe when that day comes, I no longer need it. In the meantime, I’m healing my own wounds. I think of him with acceptance and forgiveness and in my mind I wish him a beautiful journey. And I have fun with the new people in my life.