Breakups

A Bridge

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i didn’t fit the box you were trying to put me in – i needed to stretch and to grow

i didn’t have the patience to walk next to you – i needed to run and to dance

i didn’t have the will to change myself – i needed freedom

but i can be a friend

i can think of you with love

i can build my side of the bridge between our worlds

and maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle

 

Conflicting Emotions

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what a beautiful illusion

love

i miss you still

sometimes

just a fraction of a second

always sometimes

i recent you

painfully

i regret you

too much distance

too small a planet

what a confused being

i never want to see you again

please come get me

we were meant to be

we should never have met

i no longer believe

please convince me

desperately

i want to let go

scared you already did

wounds still bleeding

never healing

so conflicting

erase this feeling

erase you

our life

the dreams

please still love me

waves of clarity

feeling free

finally

deceiving heart

something missing

back to start

someone missing

sometimes

you

Present and Past

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There’s two of them. Right in front of me on my path forward, within sight and reach, there’s two. One very nice and very available – and very persistent in the nice guy kind of way. And one mysterious and very interesting – potentially dangerous in the emotional rollercoaster kind of way. I can’t seem to make up my mind but I guess I don’t have to at this point, either. The point is, they’re there. In my life and in my thoughts.

I walk through my dreams. I’m surrounded by the faces of all these men. they’re all wearing shades. I’m looking for that one face. The face of the one that used to be the one. The one I thought I wanted to be the one. The face I used to look at before falling asleep. But he’s not there…

I wake up with a feeling of confusion. I try to recall his face but I can’t. Did he disappear from my memory? In what corner of my mind have I put him? I guess this is the way it goes, new people replace past people, we all move on and eventually become distant echoes of something that is no longer.

It’s funny, you think you’re over something or someone and then suddenly, triggered by a new someone or even just a dream, you are confronted with your past. Crossing your emotional tracks.

The next couple of days I find myself asking the same questions that I have many times before. Trying to make sense of the process we went through together. Hoping to suddenly know the answer. The answer that will explain his ignorance and redeem all the pain. Why did he just let me drown in work to support both of us? Why didn’t he ever help in trying to figure out a way for us to survive all the practical obstacles? Even when I asked him for help.. Why didn’t he help me instead of blaming me for being stressed out? How could he always point out my flaws and never see his own? Why wasn’t he ever able to see the bigger picture? How could he just let me drown and then blame me for drowning? How could I let it go on for so long?

He’s a good man with good intentions. I guess that’s the tragicomic in it all. He will never answer those questions. I mean, how could he? He lives in a different world with different values and reflecting on the past is not on his itinerary. I realized some time back that I will probably never get the apology I need. He will never want to see his part in all of it clearly. Instead he will optimistically hold on to a future friendship, never understanding why that will never be possible.

Maybe one day I will discover the answer. Maybe when that day comes, I no longer need it. In the meantime, I’m healing my own wounds. I think of him with acceptance and forgiveness and in my mind I wish him a beautiful journey. And I have fun with the new people in my life.

Just A Thought..

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It’s funny that sometimes people change and you change and you grow apart and it’s all very natural. But then other times people doesn’t change at all. And that’s actually much worse.