Several people in my life is right now challenged with getting to the bottom of who they really are. It’s a tough and scary process and I’m so proud of them for having the courage to accept the struggle and move forward with their eyes open.
They have my deepest respect, my support and all my love ♥
Life is hard and sometimes it feels unfair and people will inevitably suck (huge hairy monkey balls) on a regular basis. That’s just the way it is – but it’s not all it is.
It’s a chance to let the world be a mirror reflecting how you choose to live. A chance to adjust an assumption. To straighten out an insecurity or pull back a judgement. Or maybe just relax and admire what you see, in which case, good for you.
It’s a constant balance of navigating between other’s projections and your own blind spots, learning to decipher what your heart is telling you and accept that sometimes there’s no easy solution.
And it’s a wonderful mystery where everything you need is provided with perfect synchronicity and all you have to do is find the courage to accept it and be you.
Easy breezy monkey balls..
challenging the limits
pushing back the horizon
standing on my toes
deepening my understanding
expanding the world
persistently creating more space
hurt but unharmed
embracing what you think
accepting what you throw
never making it my own
bowing my head to what you believe
exhaling it free
grateful for every lesson
bruised but not broken
dismissing ridiculed insecurity
drowning inconvenient contact
in ignorant cheerful pep talk
For the bigger part og my life I’ve been determined to be not weak. Over the years I’ve become more aware of what it is then that I consider being weak and I’ve found that what I feared the most was not being in control; conveying to people around me that I wasn’t in control; of failing – and maybe most of all of simply being imperfect.
Realizing this and saying it out loud makes it seem like a very irrational fear because no one is perfect and we all know that. The truth is, I rarely have any control whatsoever and when for some reason I feel uncomfortable in a situation, it’s absolutely impossible for me to hide that.
When I was younger, like ten or fifteen years ago, I was very talented at keeping my emotions well hidden and often people would have difficulties reading me and as a result perceiving me as being arrogant. I could probably have become a very successful poker player if I had pursued that career more than that one time in Israel on that very sketchy casino boat..
Getting to know myself better and accepting myself on a deeper level also sent me through a very lengthy process of coming to terms with this weakness thing. A funny thing (obviously meaning horrible and painful) is that the more accepting I was on being imperfect and vulnerable, the less able I was at keeping up appearances – and thus provoking even more feeling imperfect and vulnerable. My once poker face would turn lobster red, making me very conspicuous and incredibly uncomfortable, not to mention the heat my body was generating. For a while I actually thought I was sick or maybe I’d hit menopause fifteen years early. The heatwaves were scary.
The whole thing seemed like some kind of cruel joke, constantly rasing the bar of acceptance, really challenging my determination to accept showing vulnerability. On several occasions I’ve been leaning up against a social fobia because that would just be so much less stressful.
Well, it did get better, I guess I finally paid my acceptance dues. However, I do still get that jolt of fear from time to time and have to remind myself of letting it go all over again. This summer, with starting a new job as well as going back to school, has really been a challenge in terms of wanting to be that person who’s got it all under control, who’s completely in balance and undoubtably invincible – but accepting that that’s not always the case. Rarely, actually.
It’s been fun (again, horrible and painful) to relive this process but more importantly, I think it’s been healthy. It has reminded me of how free I feel when I let myself be vulnerable, of how many new possibilities present themselves when I change my perspective and let go of the fear of failure.
Last week I had a conversation with a colleague where we among other things shared who or what had been a great inspiration to us. She told me about Brené Brown and how much she loved her work. I was instantly intrigued and also amazed that I’ve never heard of this Brené so the next day I eagerly found her website.
And this is actually the whole reason why I’m writing this post – because it turns out that Brené Brown is all about vulnerability. She has done an amazing research job on this subject and has a way of presenting it that’s completely clear as well as full of insight and humour. She has done several speeches on TED and since I’m in no way able to pass on her knowledge in less than five hours, I’ve put one of them on here.
I really hope you’ll watch it because the value of understanding this issue of vulnerability is not just for some of us; it’s not a woman thing nor a man thing – it’s a human thing.
In case you didn’t watch the video, is there something in your life that you haven’t done because you’re afraid you’ll fail?
No seriously, I’m not going to sit here and ask questions about your life – but I do hope that you’ll give the video and what Brené has to say a chance. Maybe you’ll get inspired.
For me, being presented with this woman and her work seemed to happen as an incident of perfect synchronicity. I have been confirmed in everything that I have reflected on myself – above and beyond – and found new motivation to have the courage to be vulnerable. Even when it scares the living shit out of me.
pain switching sides
reaching for oblivion
take it back
earth and life
heart and love
and still I love you
lost in a loop
a cycle of heartache
this vulnerable creation
supported by illusion
this mind obsessing
burning away a decision
how much longer
this combat of a dreamer
time for a new adventure
time to step into the flow
accepting this weakness
“You see things and you say; ‘Why?’ I dream things that never were and I say; ‘Why not?'”
~ George Bernard Shaw
it’s not that it can’t be done
you just haven’t found the way to do it yet
so your heart got burned and your ego got bruised apparently all there is left is an imperfect past and a pseudo friendship and silence are you really that clueless? or just an ass.. not my problem but still affected not my life but still distracted not my love but still hurt not your concern not my choice
Getting out of bed this morning was a challenge. Not because I partied last night or had a hot man lying next to me – but because last night I decided to try something completely new. I went to my very first Crossfit class.
Now, I love yoga, I like running and I bike almost every day because that is by far the most convenient way to get around Copenhagen, not to mention absolutely lovely in the summer breeze. But going to a gym, lifting weights, running the treadmill and doing classes has never really been my thing. I’ve signed up plenty of times and stayed with it for a while but it always fizzles out. However, for the past few months I’ve had the urge to get more physical and in my new job I really need to be as fit as possible – so I was thinking, why not try something different?
The place was an old factory, still a work in progress and very… let’s say rustic. It was messy, a little dirty and kind of stinky – I immediately liked it. Okay, I admit that when I was standing around waiting for the previous class to finish, witnessing people clearly in pain, screaming out curses while literally dripping sweat on the floor, I was considering to make a run for it.
The warmup was a series of different jumps and push ups – I think already here I realized exactly how out of shape I am. After that followed almost an hour of the weirdest exercises I have ever tried. We were swinging kettlebells, using a giant hammer and throwing oversize (and over heavy) balls across the room and jumping up and down big wooden boxes. There were five ‘stations’ with different exercises, we got one minute at each and then switch to the next and by the end of the round a one minute break. Brutal! I was the color of beetroot, moaning, sweating, panting and on the verge of simply barfing up my lungs. If it hadn’t been for my stubbornness along with the
mean drill sergeant hot motivator screaming out his enthusiastic support, I would have given up. And still, in the middle of the excruciating pain, I loved it. My body was fighting for its life alive and afterwards the most amazing calm settled in every cell. Well, calm and pain that is.
It turns out that my legs are doing pretty good, I guess because of all the biking. But my arms, ugh! Let’s just say that biking home was risky since I no longer had any real control over my arms and therefore wasn’t able to steer properly. At home, I spent half an hour on my yoga matt stretching and moaning out more pain and the whole shower-cooking routine was a strenuous mountain of wobble. Several times I just had to laugh out loud because of my patheticness.
So, today I’m in pain. Not as much as expected but still enough to be convinced that at least my upper body needs more whipping into shape. I’m going to stick with this for the next month and then we’ll see.
Trying new things is one of the most important aspects of my life. Travelling is definitely the ultimate adventure for me but since that is not possible all the time, bringing the adventure into my everyday life is what keeps me motivated and inspired – and now fit as well.