– I took the picture earlier today, it’s from Opal Beach on Santa Rosa Island, Florida, where I’m currently loving life. Tomorrow it’s back to the wonderful city, New Orleans :)
i didn’t fit the box you were trying to put me in – i needed to stretch and to grow
i didn’t have the patience to walk next to you – i needed to run and to dance
i didn’t have the will to change myself – i needed freedom
but i can be a friend
i can think of you with love
i can build my side of the bridge between our worlds
and maybe we can meet somewhere in the middle
so your heart got burned and your ego got bruised apparently all there is left is an imperfect past and a pseudo friendship and silence are you really that clueless? or just an ass.. not my problem but still affected not my life but still distracted not my love but still hurt not your concern not my choice
It’s funny that sometimes people change and you change and you grow apart and it’s all very natural. But then other times people doesn’t change at all. And that’s actually much worse.
Honestly, it is a little too much and I feel overwhelmed. For a while now, my life has been rearranging itself. I’m all for that and most of the time I feel incredibly grateful. I got a new job at a place I have been wanting to work at for a long time and in just a few weeks my apartment will be inhabited by only me, which is going to be another great improvement. Also, I’m going back to school for my Masters and looking forward to hopefully spending the winter floating around the Pacific. I have nothing at all to bitch about.
Still I feel sad.
The reason for that is that all this rearranging has swept through the relationships of my life as well. It is perfectly natural, I know that and would choose moving forward over life support any day. It can just be a little overwhelming when everything seems to happen at the same time. A couple of very important people are no longer in my life. They were important for different reasons just as they are now missing for different reasons. There has been no drama, no slamming doors – just a series of realizing that we seemed to have come to the end. I wish it could have been different, that we could have walked through life together just a little further but it became quite obvious that we probably couldn’t.
Until now, I have focused on trusting my path, trying to keep faith in that the bigger picture will reveal itself at some point. Following my heart, I know it is all good. I know that this too shall pass.
I just wish I didn’t feel so damn lonely.
It’s not like I’m literally all alone now, I have great friends and a wonderful family – but the solitude of this incarnation has become a little more noticeable.
I guess it’s an existential condition, maybe one day I will get used to it.
Too often we go through our day, not completely convinced that what we are doing is enough, too aware of our own inadequacy.
Too often we let ourselves – and each other – know, that we are not entirely satisfied, that we are the cause of disappointment, the source of frustration.
We strive to do better and be better and we gradually create a person and a life to be proud of. But every time we listen to that voice of disapproval, something is broken.
And then once in a while we see ourselves through the eyes of someone else. Someone who sees something pure and beautiful and perfect.
And if we are conscious enough to notice the remarkable effect, maybe we can accept it as the truth.
And maybe we can try to remember the power we have to create something beautiful. Remember that every time we direct our attention towards each others positive qualities, we create happiness and we help rebuild what was torn down.
And maybe we can show ourselves just a little more compassion – because most of the time, we are doing pretty well.